Zombie Apocalypse? CDC Reacts To Zombie Rumors

Written by Derrick Williams, Solon Patch, June 15, 2012

Photo courtesy of Rick Uldricks

After a series of bizarre attacks that made news during the past weeks, the Centers for Disease Control felt compelled to address people's worries, due to 'Undead' sightings.

The state of Ohio made the abuse of bath salts illegal last year.

Unfortunately, that hasn't stopped everyone from using them, stealing them or performing some bizarre crimes while under their influence.

Because of some high profile news stories about people using bath salts and cannibalism the CDC is seriously addressing the issue and telling people how to prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse. Really.

On the CDC Site, under a heading of "Emergency Preparedness and Response" is a subhead called "Social Media: Peparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse." There's a tongue-in-cheek novella shown there called "Zombie Pandemic" which "demonstrates the importance of being prepared in an entertaining way that people of all ages will enjoy." You can follow along with the adventures of "Todd, Julie, and their dog Max as a strange new disease begins spreading, turning ordinary people into zombies."

The CDC wasn't expecting any Zombie Pandemics to occur when they published the novella, but it's a really neat way to appeal to folks on the importance of being prepared in an emergency.

And that was that ... up until this past week when a series of particularly gruesome events made sensational headlines that seemed to indicate that we were in the midst of a Zombie Apocalypse and no amount of Twinkie weaponry would be sufficient.

Time.com creates a time-line starting with the May 26th episode in Miami during which a man attempted to chew off the face of a homeless man; he was shot dead after growling at police. Reports are that he was high on bath salts. Not exactly a Zombie-fying disease.

To be clear, the type of bath salts we're talking about here have nothing to do with hygiene. They are synthetic cannabinoids that were marketed as "incense" and other legal euphemisms.

Every bit as weird is the report of a New Jersey man who stabbed himself repeatedly, then "threw bits of flesh" (and perhaps entrails) at police when they tried to subdue him. According to NBC New York, as of May 31, he was in critical condition at an area hospital and mental illness or drug abuse was suspected as the cause of the incident.

Another incident from Baltimore in the cannibalistic slaying of his roommate, and the accounts of a bear who ate a convicted murderer rounded out a series of unusual events that might has disquieted some.

However, the CDC says not to worry. There is no zombie Apocalypse.

“CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms,” David Daigle, a spokesman for the CDC told The Huffington Post.

He dismissed the possibility of Dr. Steven C. Schlozman's fictional disease Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency as the culprit.

Some folks just don't want to take the chance that the CDC might be wrong, so if you still have concerns, you might want to check out ehow.com's "How To Fight Zombies."

Clearly written by professionals and those "who would know." Always remember their warning:

Although zombie fighting is often fun, it can be dangerous. Observe all standard safety rules when using guns and swords. The undead are no excuse for personal irresponsibility!